Don’t Postpone Joy

I was walking to the train this morning and saw a bumper sticker on an older car in a lower income neighborhood that read “Don’t Postpone Joy”. “Damn right,” I thought.

My first wife used to say that my first response to any question or request was “no.” It’s an exaggeration, but there is some truth to it. I used to need a lot of notice to change even small plans; things that could have been done almost anytime, or not at all. My only reason was that I had planned it that way and I didn’t like to change my mind. I’m not sure how I adopted this approach to life, but thankfully I have been able to give it up.

My friend Jim is a technology professional who really enjoys online gaming (not gambling), a hobby that he has passed on to me. He spends a lot of time online, and is very involved in his online community. However, Jim has a personal rule that online events and activity will always be postponed or canceled in favor of real-life events. If there is a chance to get out and be with friends and family, he takes it. Gaming can be postponed. Life can’t.

I’ve had to learn to be spontaneous. It took a little pressure from others to foster this change in me, along with a desire of my own to be more engaged with the people in my life whom I am close to. A friend counseled me a couple of years ago that if I wanted to have a loving relationship in my life that I would have to make room for it. I took her advice and it has had a big impact in my life. For example, I make time to be with my romantic partner, am less attached to having a plan, and more willing to drop what I am doing or have planned and get together with her. It’s the same for family and friends. My life is better for it. I put off the mundane, unimportant activity and choose instead to be with people.

TIWIKE:
Like the bumper sticker read, “Don’t Postpone Joy.” Life is meant to be lived and enjoyed rather than endured. That’s not to say that you don’t have to make time to get things done; you do. But placing the emphasis on the people and activities in your life that bring joy will make you a happier person. You won’t mind the chores and the occasional drudgery if you’re getting enough of the good stuff.

You may be ignoring some important people in your life. How about your family, kids and lover? Your friends? Yourself? Think of how important these people are to you. Are you putting enough of your time and energy into enjoying time with them? If not, maybe you need to postpone the work and not the joy.

Reader questions:
What are you doing to be joyful? Are you engaged with the people in your life? Are you postponing the joy in your life? In favor of what? What can you do to change that?

Spending Your Time With the Right People.

I had a great weekend this week, including a party at a friend’s house for a few of us who are having birthdays this month. My friend, I’ll call her Gracie, lives in a little condo above some shops in a picturesque little seaport town. Here place is a favorite of mine; homey and quaint with a beautiful view. But the real attraction is Gracie herself and the wonderful people she has attracted into her life.

There is a real diversity in Gracie’s circle of friends, which is by no means defined by the ones that I know. She has quite a circle, really. But this group includes men and women, different age groups, and professions ranging from artists to businessmen and from life coaches to carpenters. One thing they all have in common is a keen interest in spiritual growth, and that’s what binds them as a group. They all love one another as friends, but the original connection was spiritual.

My connection to them was through Gracie herself, whom I used to work with. She and I didn’t discover our similar spiritual interest until well after we’d ended that working relationship. I was fortunate to be invited to meet her friends, and I’ve been welcome there ever since. The conversation is always spirited, sometimes intense, but always peppered with a lot of laughter. We talk about life’s challenges, about how our varied beliefs occur in our day-to-day. We eat and drink together, and this weekend we blew out birthday candles and exchanged gifts, too. It was a great time; one of many.

I’m blessed to have great friends. I really appreciate the time that I spend with them, and they add immeasurable enjoyment to my life.

TIWIKE:

People are the juice of life, and we are nourished by our interaction with them. We all spend our lives belonging to or trying to fit in with others, whether it is at work, in the community or at school. Some people find it difficult to identify with any specific group. It isn’t always because they’re introverted. Even extroverts sometimes are challenged to find a group that they really feel comfortable with. That ease of fit is so critical… Without a social circle to belong to, it’s easy to feel isolated and alone. Of course, the internet helps to connect us in a way that we never thought possible, but being physically together adds tremendously to the experience of connectedness.

Seek out groups of people who add to your experience of life. Positive energy is absolutely contagious. Unfortunately, negative energy can be, as well. If there are people that you spend a lot of time with who seem to often or always be negative, maybe you should consider spending less time with them and more time with people who are upbeat and positive. We all have tough times, but some people live under a dark cloud and won’t come out. I’m not saying that you should abandon them necessarily, but you may want to balance that time with time spent among positive groups.

Reader questions: What groups do you find that you gravitate to? What do you have in common with them? What value do you get from the time that you spend with them? Do you have interests that you’d like to share with others, but can’t seem to find a connection? What are you doing about that? And finally, which groups that you currently belong to that you may consider leaving? Why?

Friends

On Judgment

I’ve been reading some more work by the Dalai Lama since starting to commute on the train. It’s great to have the time to read and write again.

I’ve been reading about judgment. I’m not a Buddhist by belief, but I know good stuff when I read it. A recurring theme in my reading is the idea of not judging others, and feeling compassion for them even if they are your perceived opponent.

The idea that I am taking away from my reading is that an important first step in relinquishing judgment and feeling compassion for everyone (literally) is that we are all in the same boat together. We all suffer some pain, usually due mostly to our attachment to things or outcomes. When we have expectations, and they are not met; we suffer. This happens to everyone in their own way, but the suffering itself is universal.

There are times when I forget that we  all share similar challenges at the basic level. I look at others and wonder why they don’t live up to their abilities. But the fact is that I am projecting my beliefs onto them about what they could do, and what they are capable of. They may be engaged in some kind of self-destructive behavior that’s hard for me to watch. I may try to help, but be rebuffed. Or, they may be engaged in harming others; even me. In that case, it’s hard not to judge, and even harder to be compassionate. I have struggled with that one in my own life for many years now. The Dalai Lama teaches that we can feel compassion for our enemies, yet still protect ourselves from being harmed by them. I like that idea, and am trying to learn it.

TIWIKE:

Lighten up, people! Sometimes it’s hard to be easy on people in our lives. The people around us seem to give us good reason to judge them as being wrong and somehow not good enough from time to time. Not true. They’re just people trying to get by in their own way. It may not seem that way in the moment, but it is so. The next time that you find yourself judging someone in the moment, take some time later on to replay the event that caused you to feel that way, but this time imagine that they are trying to get along, just like you. You may find that your experience of the event changes.

When you start letting people just be people, you may find you are more comfortable being be yourself as well. Maybe it’s just a feeling, but you may find that just getting that feeling for a few moments is enough to change your experience of the day, and start getting closer to losing judgment and gaining compassion. It’s a good feeling, and one I highly recommend.

Reader question: What do you do when you find yourself being judgmental of others? What self-talk do you use?

Kenoza Lake at Sunset

The Reason for TIWIKE

Things I Wish I’d Known Earlier.  The title of this blog is so personal and important to me. I was e-mailing with my girlfriend this morning about the blog, so I was in the position to articulate the reason for the name and for the blog itself.

In my own way, I’ve been through the ringer. I haven’t suffered any severe personal tragedy, thankfully. But I’ve certainly been through some difficult times, with two divorces, five layoffs and various other sundry problems. Lots of highs and lows. It just seems like I am periodically trying to “land on my feet” again.

So why the blog?

I’ve learned some stuff about how to manage myself during trying times. And I meet a lot of people who are going through their own turmoil for different reasons: tough job market, middle life crisis, kids and aging parents, dating after divorce; you name it. It seems that life can be challenging, and oftentimes when we are being challenged it can feel like we’re the only ones. Feeling like you’re alone in your experience just adds a factor of isolation that makes the experience even more challenging.

With the appearance of the web, and its power to enable all of us to e in contact there is no reason to feel isolated. This is my attempt to share what I’ve learned with others who are experiencing it. Maybe it’s my contribution.

I’m not a counselor. I have business degrees with a Social Science minor. I draw on my spiritual background and life experience for answers to questions and solutions to problems. That’s good enough for some. Counseling has its place, to be sure, but your counselor probably hasn’t spent years struggling to make it happen in the corporate world. I have. Also, if you know any people in the mental health field personally, then you know that they have problems, too. The degree helps them coach you, but they are still human. The education has not guaranteed a stable and fulfilling personal life. Maybe it’s like the plumber, whose faucets always seem to be leaking…

TIWIKE:

You’re not alone in your challenges. Not ever. Even when it feels like you are. There are always people who are going through similar experiences. The key is to talk about it. Reach out to them. Create healthy relationships in your life that will help you navigate your circumstances and grow. I hope that my writing can help in some way.

Learning to be Present in the Moment

“It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood,” to steal a line from Mr. Rogers.

What is your neighborhood? I’m on the train to the city was I’m writing this. At this moment, the train and the people on it are my neighborhood. I can include the people whom I communicate with via cell phone too, I guess, since I can interact with them directly as I want to.  But I consider my neighborhood to be the people I am in direct contact with at any moment. Indeed, they are my “reality” in that moment.

How aware are you of what’s going on around you? Who are the people you’re seeing? What are they doing? What are they saying? The richness of life is in your neighborhood, in the moment. But are you engaged? Where are your thoughts? You may be thinking about work, the stories you have read in the news or any number of things that you’re not directly involved with at the moment.  Are you doing so at the price of missing what is going on right in front of you?

TIWIKE:

Life is now – in the expansive present moment

Like most people, I tend to get wrapped up in distractions, rather than being focused in the moment. To be sure, there are times when I need to be focused on a certain matter or task-at-hand, and that’s appropriate. But there are many times when I am doing something that doesn’t require a lot of concentration or attention, and I am missing the richness of everything that is going on in the present moment in my immediate “neighborhood”.

Activity:

When you find yourself in a situation today that doesn’t require a lot of your attention, decide to explore the present.

Start by fixing your attention on something close. Look at an object. Focus your gaze on it. Don’t fix your attention on anything else yet.  Settle into the present moment. Once you feel that you’re settled, start to look at the whole environment. Little by little, look at the objects around you. See all of them. Feel yourself in the environment. Once you feel that you’re aware visually, focus your awareness of sound. What are the sounds around you? Are people talking? About what? Are they happy? Excited? Thoughtful? Do you hear laughter? Add the other senses. Are there scents in the air? What are they? How does the chair you’re sitting in feel against your body? If you’re walking, what does the ground feel like? Is it smooth and even, or rough and loose? Is it pavement? What sounds do your shoes make as you walk there? There is a lot
to explore.

Why do this? Training your mind to be aware of your environment adds a level of richness to everyday life that you might be missing. Reaching out with your senses sharpens them. Learning to focus on what is going on around you, rather than being distracted by thoughts  of the things in the periphery of your life will increase your enjoyment of it.

Happy To Be Back

I’ve been away for awhile, but it’s all good news.

After a long search for some steady income, I found some in the form of a six-month contract at a large corporation headquartered in Cambridge, MA. This was very welcome after  being laid off last fall and enduring  the holiday season and the first quarter of the year with little income and plenty of expenses. I’ll talk about the contract in my networking blog, FindingTheWork.com.

In addition; and equally important (more?) I met someone very special. I wasn’t necessarily looking for a love interest in my life, having had a really rough go of it last in year in a relationship that ended very badly. As it is with many things, a bad experience tends to sour our attitude about doing it again. Regardless, I was open to the idea in an abstract way, but definitely not looking to date.

So with these two important events, in addition to everything else that I do with family and friends I haven’t been blogging. My apologies.

I’ll be spending a lot more time blogging now, having decided to transform my otherwise useless, expensive, frustrating and stressful commute by car into a predictable commuter rail experience. There’s no getting around the commute, as I live in the suburbs and work in the city, at least for the time being. But at least I can make the time I spend getting into the city productive and relaxing.

As a reminder to my friends who have been with TIWIKE since the beginning, this blog will be more personal and spiritual, rather than about networking as it was in the beginning. Networkers can look to FindingTheWork.com for guidance and ideas related to finding income.

Cheers,

Jay